Hello everyone, Professor Booty here. I know I was supposed to be here yesterday, but you know how it goes on holiday weekends.
Please excuse me while I get longwinded.
A couple months ago I had to take a leave of absence from posting here because of something called “The ASSignment�. I couldn’t tell you all about it then because I was sworn to secrecy and to let it out at that time would have made the entire project a colossal failure.
But I can tell you about it now and how it has turned out to be a gigantic waste of time.
I am going to assume you all have heard of the entertainer, Mariah Carey. She is known for having a excellent octave range and for being what some would call a ‘Diva’. Her career has been quite successful, or, I should say, had been quite successful until the event known as ‘The Latin Explosion’.
A few dozen stars were born from that event, most of which were just hacks, but two of them stood out: The singer Shakira came from out of nowhere and thrilled the pop world by talking about her small bosom and shaking her most excellent derriere in a rather savage way. The other is the one they call J-Lo or Jenifer Lopez.
Lopez had done dancing, acting and was reengineering herself to be a pop-singer. She shook her powerful posterior when she portrayed a real latin star, Selena, in the movie of the same name. And if I may say so myself, Selena was even better built than Lopez.
Everyone was focused upon the exquisite fanny of Ms. Lopez. It was sought after and drooled over by many a good man, and for good reason.
This is where I come in, but not literally.
You see, Ms. Carey was distraught that her star was on a downhill slide. Her albums weren’t selling as many copies as they had before, her movie was figuratively impaled upon a stake at the box office (and if I can be frank, quite deservedly).
She blamed it upon her lack of a well-rounded backside.
Sure, when she was in her prime, her fanny was just perfect, if a bit underdeveloped, in my opinion, but the Latinas who arrived on scene made it seem miniscule in comparison. Ms. Carey noticed that her name was being mentioned less often and that she had fallen to the ‘B-List’ everywhere she went. She was in mental anguish and knew nothing as to what to do.
And that is why media consultants have offices.
Her media consultant made a call to a fellow Master of Derriology and a competitor of mine, one Mr. Niles Growsabottom. Niles has been in the industry almost as long as I have and has a decent track record in making luscious glutes, not quite as decent as mine, and that is why he isn’t able to charge so much for his services.
But Niles is even more egotistical than myself and for some reason believes that he his God’s gift to women’s behinds. All he would have to do is ask me and I would graciously tell him he was wrong, but oddly enough, he never does.
Anyway, this attitude of his made him do something I would never do; he classified Ms. Carey as a lost cause and told her to forget about it and be happy living off of the royalties.
And that is when Ms. Carey had her breakdown.
I was called shortly thereafter to consult with the people that surround Ms. Carey. They are dependant upon her success and knew that if they gave me enough of her money, I could make the magic happen. I went to meet with them and that is when I had to take my leave of absence from here.
After my initial examination I immediately changed Ms. Carey’s diet (red beans and rice, cornbread, pork, fish, etc) and issued her personal trainer a new exercise routine that Ms. Carey was to follow from there on out.
All was going splendid. She was thickening right on up and developed a very stout and sexy pair of thighs that even the finicky Dr. Thai approved of. Ms. Carey’s attitude improved and she stopped sobbing for hours everyday, helping her water balance stay in check and she hadn’t fired anyone in anguish for weeks.
Her latest album was selling quite well and she even landed the half-time slot for one of the Thanksgiving Day football games. If you know anything about the entertainment industry, this is just a step or two down from the Superbowl halftime show, and after signing the contract for that venue, Ms. Carey was back on Cloud Nine. Her star was back on the rise and she thanked me endlessly, sending cards, flowers and money (oh, how I love the money).
Then, last Thurdsday, came ‘The Big Show’. Tens of millions of people would be watching and they expected her album sales to skyrocket on the day after Thanksgiving (which they did).
Now, I normally don’t watch football as I’m not a big fan of large men running around on fake grass in pads and spandex. I’d much rather just sit back in the arena and watch the Occidental Tush Institute’s girls play topless flag football or my favorite sport here at the Institute, Nude Croquet. I don’t really care for Ms. Carey’s singing style either, but I did sit through the last bit of the second quarter (and yawned a few times) awaiting the halftime show.
This is where the letdown began.
I should have known to ask who was broadcasting the game when I was told she got the gig. I should have known that FOX company would ruin my entire project. Those new ‘Family Friendly’ broadcasts they do are as politically correct as they get for sports. What the hell are they thinking.
I sat through 10 minutes of NFL football (when the game clock said that there was only a minute and a half left) for an under-choreographed beg session with too many props.
And the worst part, the truly worst part, the part that utterly made me want to beat my head upon the sitting ledge in front of the fireplace was that the damn FOX broadcasting Network couldn’t find a way to put a camera behind Ms. Carey or possibly even not cut away from the frontal cameras when the woman turned around so that the world can see her smiling cheeks.
I swear, I know that they have twenty or thirty cameras in that damnable sports arena, they could have at least one single shot that isn’t cut so that when she turns her back to the camera, the bottom of the screen is filled with her bottom and not the small of her back! This was as close as Fox Came to showing of Ms. Carey’s new look. One of the few full body shots.
It was a good thing that Tiffany and Adrianna were there with me that night, or I may have gone to bed angry, and I hate that.
So now I am in a quandary: Is the era of the derriere over? Are people just not fascinated with the heiny anymore these days? Am I about to become unemployed?
Well, because I’m hoping your Thanksgiving Day holiday went better than mine did, here is a tightly cropped (so as to not get me in trouble with Ms. Carey’s people) picture of her doing some of the exercises I ASSigned.
Enjoy and have a good rest of your weekend.