Wonder Woman is Kinky

Don’t believe me? RobertaX (she of the Bettie Page ‘do, so presumably, heh, she knows whereof she speaks) notes the ah, er, interesting bondage themes in WW’s early appearances. Don’t believe her? Well, I happen to own the 1975 “Treasury” edition of Christmas With The Super-Heroes, and in it is reprinted the following tale. Pervy types can scroll down to the naughty bits which I’ve helpfully bolded for you.

…a 1942 Wonder Woman story by William Moulton Marston and Harry Peter. It’s a needlessly convoluted story, told for the most part from the point-of-view of a pine tree, in which Wonder Woman (in her disguise as Diana Prince) and Steve Trevor travel to a small town on the Canadian border. Since Amazons are able to understand the language of trees (!), Wondy is able to learn that there is a nest of Nazi saboteurs (with outrageous accents!) nearby. Trevor pooh-poohs the idea, and Diana gives him the slip so she can turn into Wonder Woman. She finds a badly-coded Nazi message hidden in the trunk of the tree, then hides her civilian clothes under the pine to do some of her own investigating.

Meanwhile, the tree is found by two children who have gotten lost in the blizzard. The tree drops Diana’s civilian clothes to them to keep them warm. A lengthy and irritating flashback begins, in which the children’s mother is sleazily romanced by a German spy. Their lumberjack father comes home and catches them, slugs out the Nazi, sends his innocent wife away, and smashes the Christmas tree and all the decorations because they remind him too much of his wife. Desperate to see their mother, the children set out alone in the blizzard and get lost.

As the flashback ends, the children are found by more Nazi spies. Unable to locate the coded message that Wonder Woman found, the Nazis believe the children took it. While one Nazi guards the boy at the tree, the other takes the girl back to her home to rob the family of their food. They are caught by her father, but the Nazi is armed, so the father doesn’t put up a struggle. Sadistically, the Nazi plans to push both of them off a cliff, but Wonder Woman shows up in the nick of time and rescues both of them.

Oh, but the Nazi treachery is not finished yet! The amorous Nazi lures the family’s mother out onto the mountain to kidnap her. When the lumberjack sees them together, he thinks they’re romancing each other and tries to jump a ravine to get to them, but Wonder Woman lassoes him, swings him around her head a few times, and tosses him to the opposite side of the ravine (the Nazi has made his escape with the mother by now) so he can tie the lasso to a tree so she and the little girl can climb across to the other side (What did I tell you about needlessly convoluted?).

Wonder Woman still doesn’t know where the little boy and his mother are being held, so she has the lumberjack tie her to a tree, hoping the Nazis will find her and take her to whichever cave they’re all holed up in. Ya know what? Wonder Woman’s kinky. Sure enough, the Nazis take her to the cave and chain her against a door before they leave. When the boy and his mother start hammering at the other side of the door, Wondy says, “Ouch! Stop spanking me — I’ll be good!” Let me say one more time for emphasis: Wonder Woman is kinky. But she easily snaps the chains and busts down the door. She frees the little boy, but suggests that the mother stay chained up for now, in a ploy to win her husband back. Yeah, I bet lumberjacks are kinky, too.

Meanwhile, the Nazis set explosives to cause an avalanche on top of Steve Trevor and Wonder Woman’s friend Etta Candy, who are on their way back up the mountain. But Wonder Woman leaps to their rescue and stops the avalanche with the uprooted pine tree while Etta Candy and her troops round up the Nazi. And when the lumberjack sees that the Nazis had to tie his wife up to keep her, he realizes that he had misjudged her. Wonder Woman plants the pine tree in the family’s yard, though they use the top of it for their Christmas tree. Happy, convoluted endings for all!