Say Hello to Nanny

I meant to post this last week, but forgot. It’s a little late now, but who cares.

Every year at this time, millions of ‘Casino Americans’ transform into ‘Fireworks Americans’ and barter their explosive seasonal wares to the paleface in exchange for even more of his money.

And every year, someone hurts/kills themselves in an act of Pyrotechnic Darwinism.

And your local, loving Nanny-Stater wants to put an end to all of it by using the last part to stop the first part.

Fireworks injuries rise as Fourth of July nears

The Fourth of July holiday is coming up, and with it parades, family reunions, camping, picnics, barbecues, concerts, fireworks and everything from milk carton races to fun runs.

Yet it’s also the time of year when fire departments brace for fireworks-related blazes and injuries, and hospital officials remind the public of the need for safety — and the importance of following the rules.

Their unanimous advice: Attend one of the many public fireworks displays and leave the fireworks to the pros.

“While celebrating with fireworks is certainly an Independence Day tradition, there’s no such thing as ‘safe and sane’ fireworks,” (Administrative Director of Harborview Hospital’s Emergency Services Chris) Martin said. “Rather, it’s always a hazardous activity that can result in finger, hand and thumb amputations, severe burns and permanent eye injuries.”

Yeah, OK numbnuts. I’m going to gather in a crowded parking lot to watch some underwhelming display of flash powder and chemicals when I can set off my own array.

They don’t ban cars because people drink and drive and fall asleep at the wheel and, as was stated by local talk show host and Operation Iraqi Freedom veteran, Brian Suits (from whom I borrowed some snark) they don’t ban 4th of July picnic potato salad because people get food poisoning from eating it after it was left out all day.

My dad used to put on the best free-for-all 4th of July parties. He’d invite 20 or so of his friends and their families over and we’d start with the small stuff in the driveway at around noon and gradually move to bigger stuff in the field next to the house until it got dark.

Think: Four Foot Tall Bottle Rockets and “Lost During Training Exercises� Grenade Simulators and Artillery Simulators.

Blowing a thumb off was never really a concern as we knew of something called “getting the explosives the fuck out our hands�. What we needed to worry about were things like shrapnel from a bucket we tried to see how high we could launch (pushing the bucket into the ground doesn’t make a better seal, it just compresses the combustion zone).

You want fun; extend the fuse of an M-80 to about three minutes and tie it to a 3ft diameter balloon filled with a lighter than air explosive gas. Light and release.

Guaranteed to scare the people in the next town over, if the winds are right.