We got your loopholes right here!

Two loopholes have been found that will help you dodge the long lines and invasive procedures common with today’s airports.

Loophole #1: Become a Mexican

As violent drug cartels take over Mexico and expand their criminal enterprises north, the United States has signed a “trusted traveler” agreement that allows pre-screened Mexican airline passengers to bypass lengthy airport security checkpoints.

The foreigners will get “trusted traveler cards” with fingerprints and other biometric data and they must answer customs declarations questions on touch-screen kiosks before leaving airport inspection areas. Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano claims it’s a way to enhance information sharing and mutual security in the face of “ever-evolving, multinational threats.”

About 84 million Mexicans are expected to qualify for the trusted traveler program, according to Mexico’s Interior Ministry Secretary, who signed the agreement on behalf of his country this week. Celebrating the festive occasion, the Mexican government official assured that the new accord will facilitate the U.S. entry of business travelers and tourists who are key factors in economic development, growth of trade and cultural exchange.

Because if there is one thing history has taught us it is that nothing makes a nation more secure than the unchecked receipt of citizens from third-world shitholes.

Loophole #2: Tarmac boarding

A Massachusetts prosecutor said Friday it’s likely that a North Carolina teen whose mutilated body was found in a Boston suburb fell from the sky after stowing away in an airplane’s wheel well.

Norfolk District Attorney William Keating cited evidence including a handprint in the wheel well, clothes strewn along the plane’s flight path and an autopsy report indicating the teen fell “from a significant height.”

Keating said Friday that he’d informed federal transportation safety officials about the apparent airport security breach by 16-year-old Delvonte Tisdale.

While not actually very successful as a method for reaching your destination, as long as you don’t expect to get there alive, you’re golden.

Get it?