Heavy Metal Vs. Hard Rock: Bumped

I’m keeping this up and open today as well. What, do I need to start calling you guys maggots to get some responses?

Found this list via Uncle yesterday and couldn’t get it out of my head.

Or more accurately, couldn’t stop thinking of bands that should have been on there instead of the Adult Contemporary selection this jackass slapped on there.

First, were gonna go through the list and take the AdCont off:

25) Meshuggah – OK, starts with Swedes. Very good place to start and picked one of the best.

24) Mercyful Fate – Moves on to Demark. Respectable

23) Alice in Chains. First mistake. Sorry, but no. They are, by far, my favorite of the Seattle bands. I spent many nights in the local clubs watching these guys hone up. But they are not Metal. Hard as diamonds, but not metal.

Minus one.

22) Uriah Heep. Sorry. Much respect, but Prog Rock doesn’t Metal make. More on this in a couple.

Minus two

21) Pantera. Wouldn’t be a metal list without them.

20) Thin Lizzy. Umm, what? Did the list just change to Classic Rock?

Minus three.

19) Kyuss. OK, back to a list of Metal bands.

18) GNR. Fuck no. Complete chick band. Sweet Child of Mine is an automatic TDQ for Metal status. In fact, having published a “Power Ballad” will get you labeled “Butt Rock”. You cannot even be classified as “Hard Rock” afterwards.

Minus four

17) Kiss. No. Absolutely not. Metal does not merchandise. Metal is brutal. If you were to buy a Metal action figure, it would hunt you down and poke your eye out.

Minus five.

16) Dio. Ahh, back to sanity again.

15) Robin Trower. As much as I’d like to say yes, I could more easily put Yngwie Malmsteen here. Sorry, but no.

Minus six

14) Rush. In their early days, possibly, because they were protested by church groups for “leading children to Satan” (Aunt B’s “Rule”. But oddly, Glenn Danzig has never been protested, and he is an actual, professed Satanist, so I’m not so sure about her “Rule”).

However, true Metal never mellows, and the boys have done that, though only a bit and it isn’t like they haven’t earned it (Lee’s got arthritis in his playing hand, Lifeson’s got psoriasis on his string fingers and Neil’s nearly deaf. Not that any of this stops them from kicking ass on any given night). So, even though I believe that Rush should be on any and all lists that involve good rock music, I’m going to have to say no to this one.

Minus seven.

13) Spinal Tap. Yes, but only because Nigel’s amps go to eleven.

12) Deep Purple. Once again, respect by the truck load, but no.

Minus eight

11) Slayer. Only at eleven? This Rob o’Connor guy has issues.

10) Iron Maiden. Yes. Fine.

9) Motorhead. Only at nine? Granted, Lemmy just calls it Rock and Roll, but it’s Metal of the highest heritage.

8) Aerosmith. OK, this one has gotten a lot of flack. Deservedly. This band belongs no where near a list of this magnitude, unless they are bringing drinks to the bands that did make the list. How fucking Wayne and Garth can you get? Looks like someone is trying to make an excuse for having certain records in their collection.

Real Metal-ists don’t make excuses, we don’t own crap.

Minus nine.

7) Judas Priest. Wouldn’t be a proper list without them.

6) Metallica. Only because they made metalheads mainstream without wearing spandex. I’m severely disappointed in these boys as of late, as are most folks. But with a first four album set like this band put out, you cannot deny them a spot on the list until they bring in Christopher Cross and Michael Bolten for their backup singers.

5) The Jimi Hendrix Experience. No. You cannot box Hendrix by calling him Metal. Never in a hundred years and the person who suggests so should have their ear drums ruptured.

Minus ten.

4) Van Halen. Eddie WAS a guitar god. Was is the proper word in that sentence. As of late, he is just a rich asshole who used to matter. No way in hell.

Minus eleven.

3) AC/DC. Yes, and properly located.

2) Led Zepplin. Don’t like the Zep myself (I know, blasphemy, bite me) but I haven’t heard any objections as of yet. OK.

1) Black Sabbath. Of course. Like this needs second guessing. All Hail Birmingham!

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So, we have 11 spots to fill. I’ll make some suggestions, you make some suggestions. I will pick the replacements tomorrow.

My suggestions: C.O.C, Sepultura, Celtic Frost, Armored Saint, DRI, Voivod (sorry, no umlauts), Anthrax, Krokus

And for that matter: System of a Down (can’t stand their politics, but if you think they aren’t Metal, you’ve gone fuckin’ deef).

Hell, while I’m at it, industrial is Metal too: NIN, Skinny Puppy and KMFDM.

Shit, why not

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Yours go in the comments