Those eevviill toy companies

Already teasing kids with toys to be coming out just before Christmas

Long time readers know that I grew up here in the Seattle Metro area, so I was amused when the Grouchy Old Cripple posted this announcement from Mattel about a new line of Barbies. While his focus on models being offered for his hometown of St. Louis, I went to Mattel’s site and discovered that they will be offering like models of Barbie’s for the greater Seattle area.

ANNOUNCEMENT: Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Seattle, Washington market:

“Medina Barbie” – This princess Barbie is sold only at Pacific Place and Bellevue Square. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade, Prada and LV Handbags, Rolex watch a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a 25,000 sq ft. patio home. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

“Issaquah Barbie” – The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

“Lakewood Barbie” – This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.

“Kirkland Barbie” – This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of Bentley convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.

“Renton Barbie” – This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

“Belltown Barbie” – This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as warehouse conversion condo.

“Lynnwood Barbie” – This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Renton Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

“Fremont Barbie” – This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair,
arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow . She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Wallingford Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

“Rainier Beach Barbie” – This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

“Enumclaw Barbie” – She’s perfect in every way. We don’t know where Ken is because he’s always out a-‘huntin’.

“Capital Hill Barbie/Ken” – This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.